"Life is merely what you make of it"
i remembered my dads words... i have made my life to what it is now i realized.. but couldn't but beg to disagree to the statement... for life was driving me more than me directing life... no it wasnt coz i wasnt taking control of life or coz i was persistent enough... but a strong force just ensured that it changed the path of my life and drove me else where which i had least anticipated. Well would it have helped if i had more persistence or conviction... but in a crisis situation, subject to a choice to be made with closed doors around you... i made those choices.. initially i questioned it but now i guess i did make the right choice... but no it wasnt me who lead my life but my life lead me...
Somewhere down the line, i started pondering on those questions which all men wanted to know... what is life? what does my existence mean... am i to be a puppet or a lab rat running towards cheese which the society has set... the cheese which is acceptance, or love, or money or recognition. What is my purpose of being born... what am i supposed to do next... is my life designed as per the decisions i take in life or is it the objective i follow that matters... is there a preset design to life.. would i no matter what end up doing those... am i an instrument of god to some meagre or a larger purpose...does god exist in the same way religions express it to be... The list of questions never stopped..
I stopped for a minute... looked at the mirror and got enraged with myself... why do i think so much? it isnt new... i always thought a lot from childhood.. always questioned anything that came by .... lately a lot into philosophy, religion, society, group dynamics... even politics... i questioned every single entity created by men... i disagreed with the set norms, judgments, rights and wrong that men and society had built up...people often addressed me as either weird or intellectual and some vertical thinker... i analyzed everything, i broke the entities to pieces and analysed them from all angles..even people i met... and questioned their thoughts too... i didnt like me doing that... actually i hated it... i compared myself with people of my age, who were in bliss in their ignorance...then i wondered is it me who is ignorant...
I got obsessed with the idea of running my own race... living on my philosophies and none other... i rejected the idea of religion... only after i was part of several religion to find if any of them will bring me closer to god... and maybe god will give me my answers... i realized god is good... but god is nothing like what religions define... let it be any Hinduism, Christianity, Islam or Buddhism, Greek or Zoroastrian... religion is just a governing system of groupism ... which yes might show you a way of life but might not really bring you closer to god... lot to learn from all religion no doubt about it but no it wont bring you closer to god... i realized god is within you... and started looking in deeper and deeper and i found a lot of my answers....
In the process of my looking in... i developed a strange gift... i saw signs and symbols... i created a symbol for my god as well... an eye inside a sun.... i dont know how it came to me... there wasnt any research or search involved to design that symbol.. i just did... i sketched pictures which symbolised a lot of things which made no sense to my intelligence... i wondered why all this happened... some times i just got strong feelings to do something when i did those i saved myself from great dangers... it was spooky.... Now am in a juncture of life... where i felt like investigating on my symbols.. and i realized sun and the eye represented "the ever seeing eye" from the free masons... it represented eye of Horus in Egyptian myth and even in Buddhism.. i wondered it cannot be a coincidence... i didn't know all this before i defined the symbol which i even placed to my company...so what does it mean?? what does those pictures i draw mean which has both sun and moon always representing some cult of people and a man who is standing with both arms raised to sky... with only the back side of him shown... and a mystified river... i have drawn lot more in relation to the river and the man being chained to a tree etc... would it be an influence of previous life or pure pigment of my imagination.... or purely my sub conscious mind speaking of my urge for freedom from some entity... i took up psychology to understand the answers... it did provide a lot of answers but couldn't answer a lot more....i psycho analyzed my child hood and my situational entities, my experiences... my emotional graph... etc. but couldnt see any relationship to why i sketch these things and why i write those poems... maybe its supposed to be like that maybe not...
From childhood i wanted to do something purposeful.. according to me purposeful is something greater than myself.... so i wanted to help people.. i found a way to do that too... i have the business plans in which i can help people in a large way... the work is on... but something tells me i need to find a few more answers before i take the next step... and something tell me the answer lies within myself itself.. but am unable to invoke that thought of mine which will lead to my answers... Whom am i sharing these thoughts with.. what am i trying to say... what am i seeking ?? The simple mysteries in Narcissistic world would any understand? Would they get bored reading it..... if they did what would they say??
Nidhish P Kavinnamannil
