Second a wrong dimension?

Tick.. Tick.. Tick...Tringgggggggggg........

Alarms Ringing!! Its morning again, haven't slept for a minute it looks like... well it was just 2 hours... The Dawn has woken again...I jumped from the bed... ran towards my computer... checked my schedule.. ran to the new infrastructure of my office... the first tiny but mighty office of Da Attitude Group of Companies...the interior work is on...There have been changes...from what was planned...Choices...Choices..Choices... Red Sun Mica or White sun Mica... Red Wall...white cabin... so computer table white... Oops.. its time to go my studio.. have a project to finish... Vroom... making music for a jingle... oops... The EPABX guy is waiting for me... Ah... ... The clients call..."Hello... Yeah .. ill send the profiles say give me half n hour" ... I looked at the watch... its 06:30 PM...

Ran home.. sending pending mails...mom waiting for me to take her to Shopping... Vroom... Carrying bags through the elevator... completing the mails which i left incomplete before leaving...its 12:00 am...have a conference call with a US client... at 1:00 am..."Good Afternoon Scott"...Its 2:30 Am... have to send Summary of Discussion...Time is 4:00... its silent outside...closed the door and lit a smoke... well i smoke in my room when every one is sleeping ..."Beautiful Day" i told my self... and i pondered...
did i really pass through 24 hours... does really a minute has 60 seconds...

Tick.. Tick.. Tick...Tringgggggggggg........

The Vision of the Ever Seeing Eye..

The March towards Sunrise..pleasurably tiring has now begun... the cold wind blows against my face... the feet hurts while stepping on the sharp stones of this known arena.. I see the tire marks on the road, and i see the broken wings and swollen eyes who fell in this journey who needs assistance...

The steps are steady and not in haste... intentions are nothing but noble and pure as diamond... fear doesn't exist but a strange feeling of anxiety prevails...the eyes are on that empire to build... a new arena to welcome... a new breed of beings to give birth to... a new religion of humanity is now in making...

The purpose is clear , the commandments are already spelt ... the 5 commandments given through 27 years of existence... the glory that is in awaiting might not procreate as it always did but shall provide that bliss in the grave... I remembered to read out the commandments once again loud as i walked in the emptiness... wanted the nature and the elements to absorb its zeal and effort...

To help who can help themselves
To help talent to get to their heights they deserve
To help organizations to reach their highest self
To help Governments bodies to function at peak level.
To help who cannot help themselves.

The first commandment has already begun with its activities... Is this business i speak of no it is not.. it is a choice i made... it is a choice people will make while associating with my company... A choice to live and grow with the sole objective of making a positive impact to others around us.

Welcome to DA Attitude Group of Companies.

Nidhish P Kavinnamannil
Chief Executive Officer

The Mysteries of the questioning mind...

"Life is merely what you make of it"

i remembered my dads words... i have made my life to what it is now i realized.. but couldn't but beg to disagree to the statement... for life was driving me more than me directing life... no it wasnt coz i wasnt taking control of life or coz i was persistent enough... but a strong force just ensured that it changed the path of my life and drove me else where which i had least anticipated. Well would it have helped if i had more persistence or conviction... but in a crisis situation, subject to a choice to be made with closed doors around you... i made those choices.. initially i questioned it but now i guess i did make the right choice... but no it wasnt me who lead my life but my life lead me...

Somewhere down the line, i started pondering on those questions which all men wanted to know... what is life? what does my existence mean... am i to be a puppet or a lab rat running towards cheese which the society has set... the cheese which is acceptance, or love, or money or recognition. What is my purpose of being born... what am i supposed to do next... is my life designed as per the decisions i take in life or is it the objective i follow that matters... is there a preset design to life.. would i no matter what end up doing those... am i an instrument of god to some meagre or a larger purpose...does god exist in the same way religions express it to be... The list of questions never stopped..

I stopped for a minute... looked at the mirror and got enraged with myself... why do i think so much? it isnt new... i always thought a lot from childhood.. always questioned anything that came by .... lately a lot into philosophy, religion, society, group dynamics... even politics... i questioned every single entity created by men... i disagreed with the set norms, judgments, rights and wrong that men and society had built up...people often addressed me as either weird or intellectual and some vertical thinker... i analyzed everything, i broke the entities to pieces and analysed them from all angles..even people i met... and questioned their thoughts too... i didnt like me doing that... actually i hated it... i compared myself with people of my age, who were in bliss in their ignorance...then i wondered is it me who is ignorant...

I got obsessed with the idea of running my own race... living on my philosophies and none other... i rejected the idea of religion... only after i was part of several religion to find if any of them will bring me closer to god... and maybe god will give me my answers... i realized god is good... but god is nothing like what religions define... let it be any Hinduism, Christianity, Islam or Buddhism, Greek or Zoroastrian... religion is just a governing system of groupism ... which yes might show you a way of life but might not really bring you closer to god... lot to learn from all religion no doubt about it but no it wont bring you closer to god... i realized god is within you... and started looking in deeper and deeper and i found a lot of my answers....

In the process of my looking in... i developed a strange gift... i saw signs and symbols... i created a symbol for my god as well... an eye inside a sun.... i dont know how it came to me... there wasnt any research or search involved to design that symbol.. i just did... i sketched pictures which symbolised a lot of things which made no sense to my intelligence... i wondered why all this happened... some times i just got strong feelings to do something when i did those i saved myself from great dangers... it was spooky.... Now am in a juncture of life... where i felt like investigating on my symbols.. and i realized sun and the eye represented "the ever seeing eye" from the free masons... it represented eye of Horus in Egyptian myth and even in Buddhism.. i wondered it cannot be a coincidence... i didn't know all this before i defined the symbol which i even placed to my company...so what does it mean?? what does those pictures i draw mean which has both sun and moon always representing some cult of people and a man who is standing with both arms raised to sky... with only the back side of him shown... and a mystified river... i have drawn lot more in relation to the river and the man being chained to a tree etc... would it be an influence of previous life or pure pigment of my imagination.... or purely my sub conscious mind speaking of my urge for freedom from some entity... i took up psychology to understand the answers... it did provide a lot of answers but couldn't answer a lot more....i psycho analyzed my child hood and my situational entities, my experiences... my emotional graph... etc. but couldnt see any relationship to why i sketch these things and why i write those poems... maybe its supposed to be like that maybe not...

From childhood i wanted to do something purposeful.. according to me purposeful is something greater than myself.... so i wanted to help people.. i found a way to do that too... i have the business plans in which i can help people in a large way... the work is on... but something tells me i need to find a few more answers before i take the next step... and something tell me the answer lies within myself itself.. but am unable to invoke that thought of mine which will lead to my answers... Whom am i sharing these thoughts with.. what am i trying to say... what am i seeking ?? The simple mysteries in Narcissistic world would any understand? Would they get bored reading it..... if they did what would they say??

Nidhish P Kavinnamannil

Thankyou for nothing...

The mist wouldnt move through the revealing destiny
A hidden moon in this rainy sky is still in hiding spree
My thirsty minds gleaming like a starved glee...
Out of a mane of tawny clouds, the ray of light is all of you - humanity...

The muffled vendetta who challenged my intelligence...
Guided me to light from but a shadow to image--
It was indeed the emotion invoked was nothing but rage..
but now i pursue intensely to create that image through my indulgence...

The venomous art of treachery the old moor played...
Upon this huge and heaving mind seeking glory...
For him it was to defeat me... but what you have provided is a begining in my story
Floating now on the waves like ravelled lace in the challenge you have now relayed.

The ones who has dismayed me with their evil..
The treachary, the lameness, the motivation, the existence...
Didnt realize its nothing but another impact on me for i am to purse this without resistance..
The emotions, the situations, the pain all was nothing but a creation for me to go ahead and say i will...

Now the story continues from null to more than nothing...
I await lot more character that it shall bring...
I shall live as i shall live and will sing as i sing...
The twists and stories that shall be procreated.. i shall move through from more than nothing to bigger something....

Thank you for nothing ...
Thank you for nothing ....

Nidhish P Kavinnamannil

A Quarter of my life and more is over and i remembered have forgotten to thank all those who passed through my life... thank you for nothing... for saying hi, for being dressed well... for speaking poorly... for being happy, for being in misery... for wearing a good looking boot. for suffering a disease...For putting me down, for ignoring me, for boasting to me, for breaking his leg or giving the best gift to your girl friend, for being disloyal to me..For firing me from the job, for scutinizing, for doing anything you did to me or to others..otherwise... each and everything that went through you, shared unshared... Someone said each n every action has equal and opposite reaction.. i say equal and opposite i dont know.. there definitely an reaction even if if the action wasnt meant to you... i acted for all that everyone in my life did, faced just existed...when you dressed well, i thought maybe i should, when you were disloyal to me.. i thought i will find someone who will be as loyal as i am.. when someone fell ill.. i took care... u boasted, i felt a need to improve myself.. when u fired me.. i decided ill never be in a recieving end again.. when u scrutinized i decided to be smarter...the list is on... and there is nothing better they/you could have done for reaching me till here and i am sure will reach me till where i need to be... So my heartiest gratitude to each and everyone..

Nidhish

Seasoned to Celebrate...

"Wag your tail, or no bread"...
Its my birthday today... 29th June , it was the same day quarter or more a life time ago at 11:00 pm i arrived into this world. Kicking and screaming for taking me away from the comfort zone, the warmth and cozy compartment where i didnt have to seek for food, respect, love or acceptance.... Time to celebrate?? Time to blow a candle... expect a few gifts... feel good about my existence for i have grown a year older ...?
For some reason.. i remembered my dog who crossed over few months ago as i stared at the drizzle through my window... the little "hiccup" who came to me when he was 3 months old .. and i remembered how i trained him... how i taught him to wait for the food till i ask him to take the bite.. how i seasoned him of his habits... how i congratulated him everytime he picked my ball and returned it to me... i didnt celebrate his birthday... he didnt ask for a celebration, nor did he feel bad when none wished him... But what if i did train him, told him his birth date, and informed him that its time of celebration... would he have got felt the same as am feeling today...
Celebration, another indicator to be the victim of the society... a occasion that we expect people to surround us, cheer us, wish us, make us feel good. Another inevitable need of man to feel happiness based on others... Are we seasoned like the dog from childhood... to celebrate , to feel good on every occasion we get... Is birthday really another man search for another such occasion..

Whatever the case it might be...It is indeed a wonderful feeling of love and care... its just made my day when my family gave me a suprise party at midnight.. when my sister gave me the most beautiful guitar as a gift.. the messages, calls and scraps from people... all made me smile.... if its lame... i guess happiness associated is not something any wouldnt refuse...
I guess my multiple brains wars would never end... the Mediocre, sagic and extremist minds will debate on every occasion this way.. this one mediocre wins..
Nidhish

There you go again...

Reciprocate!! Rebel!!.. Restore!! heaven in this land of forbidden minds...
Where the minds destroy minds...
Envy and fear in every sound...
Rage and gloom is in every eyes...
The land where genuinity is a myth...
Expression is a fake routine...
Words belongs to deception..
And emotions are numbed....

Restore the peace of the souls which hurts in this merciless crusade of life...
Restore the rejoice which still dangles in my mind as a distant dream...

Reciprocate and Rebel...
Stand up and look in the eye!! of the Creator!!
Who has send you down with a purpose to question his own creations and Mock...
To destroy and then to learn and adapt...
To figure out as mere humans and to curse the existence but still smiling understanding what the curse meant to be...

Roles to play...
Part to act.... The emotions running though as if it was real , amazes the existences of what it could...
Limb or made limb... maybe we aint limb...Destruction must be at its best or our imagination we find reasons and be handicapped...

Love is destroyed...
Loneliness i my new best friend... Which could make me stare at the sun more often...
What a game... A game with numbers called humans...
Everything meant for a good reason...
Bravo on putting these thoughts to the make it easier in life...
Yes desire is the dreams... its is also the destiny...

So i Oblige yet rebel... Whine and yet embrace this game...

Here i go again ... Rebelling and Cursing... Fighting the waves... and sparring with the wind... arguing to the thunder and grunting at the lightning... Who am i fighting here... Existence... Life.. Creator... Society... or demon called impatience...

Nidhish

Inspired from the Dead

What a swell ….
To lay in the cold earth when the sun shine so fierce…
To smell the lilies mixed with wet earth
To hear the song of the woods…
And the hums of the Owls..

To remember the times of the Forsaken Life…
And Sigh for its long gone..
Remember the faces which brightened the day…
And then one day say good bye….

What a swell…
To buddy up with the rats of the underworld…
As they consumed the flesh and feed the worms..
The gifts presented while the door closed the reality…
Touches my face as I lay cold and vanish In air…
Lessons learnt are no good in here…

Regrets won’t help…
Screams and cry are in vain…
Rejoice might never exist…
Just the sleep till Eternity…
Getting consumed every moment…
And a smile it looks like comes to the moment of this peace…

Does it really matter if heaven and hell exist…
All that is desirable is to have the eternal Sleep….

Nidhish

Feminity at its best?

The bearer, the beautifier and soother called Women…

I respect women, actually I love women.. to watch, to romance, to learn from, to walk together.. to speak to… Women’s ability to bring in comfort to anyone is immediate… just a smile and the voice… why just the scent of a women is itself soothing for any crude hearted… They could make anything look good with just their touch, they could make any sickness go away with just a caress… any worries to fade away with a kiss… and any dream achievable by just sitting with you… they bring the best out of anyone …they bring light, joy, love and even wisdom into a circle…
I have seen several women in my walk of life… interestingly… every one of them were different… call my education and interest in quality , I do something called as grouping… the old trick from the book where you categorize people in the forms of common characteristics…. Well I know no women appreciates comparing… and would like to believe they are unique… I don’t disagree to that … I just am putting some characteristics into grouping…
I wouldn’t pen down my entire analysis.. Trust me you wouldn’t like it… so am just penning what I call as major or strong characteristics… being a man , I shall try to please you in my words try to curb my curt insults if any…
Inspite of the splendid qualities they carry, the magnanimous wonders that they are..Every women is ruled by a few primary demons as I may call it… Some of major ones amusingly are ridiculous… Insecurity being the primary, every women or atleast 97.9% of the women suffer from insecurity not insecure about others in life well that is a part of them but what am specifying is their insecurity is about themselves… Every women good looking or not, fat or slim, tall or short..Most feel they are putting on weight….amusingly even lean ones want to reduce some more… If they are a bit taller they feel insecure of that could actually see women stooping and walking as if that would reduce the centimeters, well even more amusing ones in the insecurity of their physique is , people stooping for having according to them bigger breasts.. hehe… That’s of the insecurity of their body… insecure of being not so lady like.. confused ..well every women ensures that their standards according to others perception is high… they cannot stand others think that they are being slutty or easy or flirty or whatever.. so every movement of them especially when they are with a man is governed in wondering how would this action of mine reflect… that reflection is good…however this brings in doubt to their every move, they want to kiss , no they don’t want to kiss.. then they kiss.. and they ask “ you don’t think am easy do you?... Cute indeed but why this confusion….if a man leaves them they something is wrong with them hence that happened…

2nd primary characteristics I observed is their they tend to be exploitative, well yes exploitative around 94%… they somehow being themselves and men that are fools often give in .. then onwards its womens incessant need to exploit and conquer everything that man has…Primarily his time… it is like a must that a man should call her to say how much he misses her or loves as many time as he can or the hells loose… It provides no justification to if he is genuinely busy or was amidst hell and was unable to do the duty, but for a women that’s an insult. if a man doesn’t call them after the first date they feel like a fool..for all you know they stop being in touch with the person, switch off the phone.. Darn Dramatic.. but that’s women… so they conquer time.. they don’t stop there they want ownership over every other thing of his, his thoughts, his attention, they even want to share the bed, and house and everything.. now for the need of the physical favour or for genuine love, men give women all the authority on them. Right or wrong am no one to judge am just stating what I gathered. If you don’t let them ….

Well you stay single like me…

Nidhish

Friendship they call it…

A Pal, a buddy, A companion, a comrade, closeness.. some of the words used to define friendship… I have a few friends in my life I call as friends…a very few… happy that it is few… for I see several beings around here.. whom they derive newer meanings for friendship… and am definite I shall never call it friendship…

Some of the recent meanings as I may apply here.. and I wonder if any dictionary would publish it so…

Meaning 1 – Friend = Instruments –A person or group of people used for getting out of my loneliness. Interestingly the person might not even get along with this “instrument” but would religiously spend time with the person. The moment he/she finds women, better instruments etc. he shall just move on.

Meaning 2 – Friend = Spectators – A person or group of people who would sit and listen to my boast and achievements. The person do not care how the “friend” speak or behave as far as the attention is given to the persons boast and achievements.

Meaning 3- Friend = Potential Applicant – A person who could be considered for a boy friend or girl after assessing in detail of the credibility. The person will make friends with the person, maybe for reasons like he is cute, or she has good whatever… and would remain friends till the time the short listing or rejection happens.

Meaning 4 – Friend = Waiting list – A person or group of people used for entertainment till the time I find a partner. The person spends a good amount of time while working through his partner hunt and the moment the person is present he/she shall be forgotten.

In my pursuit to learn human mind… I spend time with a few others I might not quote.. 1 who spends time with a group for the reason he needs to be in a group of course for all the benefits that it gives not it that it makes any difference in his life. And another who would let his best friend as he calls it be insulted by his girl friend while his tails is nicely folded and kept behind his back side and utter no word even to patronize the situation. Hehe.. A slave to a girl.. as I may call it..may be.. but that’s a different blog….

Real friends make life... but what is real friendship??

Nidhish

Experimenting with Human Mind

“If you could you should”

said an old man.. I could not help but think and make a list of things I could but I aint doing … well the list was pretty long… divided into 3 category…
1) I could and I have used that skill or power or ability…
2) I could but I rather not use that skill call it the integrity factor…
3) I am not sure if I have but I think I have that ability… now the 3^rd factor was indeed intriguing well not just intriguing actually very challenging and scary… some of them were like this as the list mention below..Some of them I rather not mention

i)I think I can learn anything I want… any subject any language –so I made a list of random subject which sounded disinteresting and difficult… and I picked it up… felt extremely happy to learn and complete succesfully… its not complete yet but on the way feeling more and more good about myself able to do it…
ii) I think I can move people with words..Written or spoken … well this is something I really tried… I wrote poems to see if I can lure a girl.. I wrote articles challenging organization… I wrote story to see if it made people think..I made public speeches and saw how people responded... I was convinced this has moved from i think to i can...

iii) I think i can influence a person’s mind or psychology... The topic of this blog is a result of this thinking... and trust me when i say a very dangerous one...dangerous for the mediocre and human needs I have… which I shall explain … I wanted to ensure influence I would make is positive… started off randomly with people who is going through some sort of confusion, discomfort, pain in their life.. spoke to them.. philosophized and read the influence is created… I did with this with colleagues and people I knew and met new people too often for that too…

Side effect of this or the challenge in this factor I wish to check if I have the ability often came to a stand still… when I get my emotions attached to the subject am practicing my potential… in simpler words.. when I was helping someone, or influencing a mind… my emotional attachment to the person often complicated… the expectation of them is for me to not to influence their mind or impose, push them to do something for even for good… haven’t you heard a psychologist can never be friends with their patients… that is the case… now am not trying or posing to be a psychologist.. am just checking my ability to make an impact on another person…. I succeeded several times… yet I felt painful for in a project there is always a definite beginning and an end… and when I ended I felt hurt.. at times I had to end it abruptly with random ways…

I don’t intend to play god.. I aint deciding what is right or wrong… I just choose to experiment with others mind to check my own ability to guide, motivate, influence human mind… my loneliness that I blame.. now I feel bad for after realizing my ability to make an influence is immense… I have remained alone writing this blog as if to justify for my loneliness… Ironically I am successful in stretching my abilities but remain socially dysfunctional in the whole game of knowing the deeper within… Many more in the list and i might share some of them in other blogs

Nidhish